Havildar

It was 7.45 am when I was walking back to ICU preparing my mind ,counting minimum hours left to go back to my room and have a quality time for myself. This says how much I hated working in ICU. Who would ever want to be in a environment where  your only companion is the constantly beeping machines, bright lights and vulnerable critically ill patients? It is literally sick. 6.30 to 7.30 Am is the only time apart from the time when the doctors come for rounds, when ICU is full of chaos, "The time of morning routine" The patient's will be helped with their morning routine, their bedding will be changed, they will be give new gown to wear for the day and the vitals will be recorded and all of the patient's will be given their morning medication and breakfast hand fed by their attenders. Sweet, isn't it? As soon as I entered the ICU room, the first thing I noticed amidst all the chaos is, this man,in the Bed no. 1, stuffing food into his already full mouth, his eyes big in awe and his sharp moustache moving sideways as he chewed, enjoying ever bite of the food he was having. He looked cute. Mr Parthasardhy  is the second patient who occupied that bed after late Subramanian  who used to lay in the same Bed No.1., his body paralysed, he on ventilator , his eyes wandering at us all or just staring into the ceiling,simply, awaiting his suffering to end. I hope, he is at peace now. I was standing in the midst of this chaos holding a spygnomanometer thinking whom should I start with, when I got a very loud and excited "good morning doctor!",It was Him, Mr.Parthasarathy, his hands held close towards his chest giving me a salam. The greeting was so loud that I had to check around if some other doctor was behind me but then I realised that "Oh, I am the doctor" and with a  wide smile and went towards him and wished him back. I recorded his vitals and asked if he was experiencing any sort of discomfort currently, for which he said no. After the rounds, during the regular monitoring, I talked to him for a while. I came to know he was a Havildar. 

I have always had immense respect for people who works in the defence. May be because of the fact that my father  himself, is a retired ex- Navy personnel. Besides that, I have always had a soft corner for old people because they remind me of my own grandparents. Eventually, we became good friends. I used to talked to him everyday till I was posted in ICU. It was nice to hear him talk about his experiences at the Army. I talked about my dream of working in the Indian army medical corps and how I am not so confident about it to which he said "Brave. That's all you need to be."  And trust me, as a person who grew up with low self esteem, that was all needed to hear. After a couple of dialysis, he got shifted to the general ward and I used to go to the ward once while to see him. After that, I heard that he got discharged as he improved symptomatically and he was doing well.  I still remember the time when I went to see him after my night rounds. I talked to him for a while , wished him well and a good bye. A week later, my friends and I were causally talking when they mentioned about him getting admitted again.Yes, he was quite famous for his very loud  and energetic greetings. Though this time he was different. I remember staying for the night duty in ICU, just because he was in ICU. I asked if he remembered me. He nodded yes. He was being more of like a child than himself this time. So, the night duty went like, every time we touched him to record his vitals or help him connect to the monitors, would let out a loud "ayyayayo!" as if we hurt him. He would then remove the oxygen mask and the probes connected to monitors and sit there like nothing happened. when asked to keep it back, he would take the mask and put it over his forehead and sit there like a good kid. It was funny to see him do that. But the nurses and I were fed up of him. One time, he even sat up all of a sudden and was trying to put the side rails down, I went up to him and asked him " sir? You need help with all of your escaping thing? What are you doing?" 

Then he answered " I am going, going back to my home."

 " Well it's 11.30 pm, and I don't think it's the right time for you to go home. We can wait till tomorrow morning and we'll go. Okay?" 

 "But I want to go now" he threw a tantrum.

 " How will you go? " I asked.

  He nodded his sideways in a stubborn way and said " I'll walk."

  " I'm Sorry, but I'm afraid that cannot allow that sir. I promise you, we'll stay one more day and we'll talk to the senior doctor and go. Okay? You get some rest now" I said as I held his hand in mine.

 He was sort of convinced. I switched off the light, covered him with the blanket and I had to stand beside him to make sure he slept. I thought to myself, may be it was the fear of death that was making him act this way. Anyways, later when I went to check on my other patients, he woke up and started doing the same and the nurses had to restrain him to the bed. He was not pleased with that. And he kept on shouting the whole night. It was really funny to see him literally acting like a child but truth was that, his condition was getting worse. And that was the last time I saw him. Later my duty was changed and I  was posted for the regular ward duty. Though something inside me was forcing me to go check on him. But, I did not. And I kept postponing till one of my friends broke the news saying that he passed away the night before. It hit me so hard. I could not believe what I have heard just then. His GCS fell and he was intubated. Everyone knew he would not make it. 2 days of struggling for his life in the ventilator, he passed away. A sudden wave of sadness hit my heart. The thought of "I should have went and checked on him" started echoing in my mind whole day. I still think about it now and then. Only if I knew it would be the last time I would be seeing him. As a doctor, though everyone expect us to be empathetic, I don't think if it's right thing to do. Because when you are empathetic, you develop an emotional bond with the patients you interact with and you start perceiving their problems being in their shoes or may be by seeing you're loved ones in them.And if something bad ends up happening to the patient, it will wreak you, emotionally. Because this is what empathy does to you, makes you vulnerable. It's scary and beautiful at the same time. That makes me think, May be that's what makes you a human being. If you are not vulnerable, are you even one? Perhaps, as I gain more experience, see more Parthasarathis , learn more about them, may be at a point of time, I will develop a tolerance and I'll be immune to being overly empathetic. Being a doctor I feel, one must develop that, though not too immune that I forget that I am treating the patient, an individual, a life , not just the disease. And that's what this profession is all about., A lifetime commitment of offering care and comfort to the vulnerable while always remembering to not forget being a Human being. 

- Dr. ASH


Thank you for taking the time to read this short story.you have my sincere gratitude. I hope you enjoy it. Please email me or leave a comment if you have any smart ideas or recommendations on how I could write better.

Comments

  1. hi, being myself empathetic I can relate to this, memories sure will haunt us

    ReplyDelete
  2. feeling of guilt , don't worry too much about it you will get used to it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Déjà vu

Epiphany

Furry Miracles